If you go back to the beginning of the year you'll find a post where I chose to not have any expectations for the year.
I feel I have stuck to that, but I know I am on the cusp of some new things and I can't help but be introspective about my life up until now.
I will only be a part of my MOPS group for another 2 weeks and it makes me a little sad to walk away from the ladies I have spent so much time, energy, and love on. I know it's time and I know it will free up my time to pursue new avenues that I did not have time to investigate before. In short, change is just hard sometimes.
I remember one time over the winter when I went to our old church to do something when no one was there and I knew that my time spent there was going to be limited for awhile and then peter out completely. I stood there and just looked at the empty building where there was numerous classrooms that I had dedicated myself to working in for a long time. I knew it was the end of a chapter in my life and I didn't know what I would do without it.
It turns out the transition to the new chapter has been good, with a few hiccups. I have seen how adaptive my family can be and how they are able to easily make new friends, which is a relief.
However, in someways I feel like I am floundering a little, but not in a bad way more of a "God what now?" kind of way. I sort of find it odd that God has moved us yet left us right here too. I think that is probably the most confusing part of it. I feel like I have told God that I am willing to obey in big changes yet it's the lack of small changes that I cannot understand. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to navigate this huge commute to church stuff. I just can't grasp how I translate that into encouraging people from our area to join us. Perhaps that's the core of the problem, I am too worried about providing a church experience for people when all I really need to do is tell them about God. I think of two teenage boys who used to live a couple doors down from us and spent pretty much everyday one summer in my backyard. I recently ran into them and they were excited to tell me that they were going to a birthday party at our old church. I didn't tell them that I had moved on because I know they wouldn't understand. But I couldn't help but think to myself, "all that ground work and I am not even going to see how it turns out." I guess I am still working through some bitterness too. Mostly just the bitterness that we couldn't find a way to fit in. I saw clearly that we would never be able to reach our "full potential" there, but it doesn't change the fact that I wish we could have. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE where we are right now. Its mostly just navigating all our old friendships. No one really understands why we had to make the decision we did to walk away. We've explained it a number of times, but its hard to explain without feeling like we are slinging mud. We don't want to be mean about it, but it seems like everyone else has no problem laying on the guilt trips, so we're caught in this weird catch 22. I guess life is just like that and I will, as always, stand by silently and watch it go by.
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