Being An Addict

     Addiction is a horrible human affliction. 

It's confusing, heart breaking and leaves loved ones at a loss every step of the way. 

I have taken ONE substance abuse class so I am by no means an expert, but I have seen some of the devastating affects first hand so I guess that does give me some insights. 

Good-bye to K.

To say addiction is complicated is a gross understatement.

     I am starting to see what it looks like when loss comes because of addiction and I don't know how to feel. In times like this you're considered cold if you don't react with great sorrow, but really all I feel is nothing. In my mind the addiction has already taken that person from me and I have been living with it all this time anyway. People like to say what a person in my situation "should've felt or done or acted" to cause it not to happen, but unfortunately with addiction you can't save a person who won't accept your help and adamantly pushes you away. I know from my limited research that it's the addiction not the true person reacting this way, but it doesn't change the fact that your hands are tied. You have no choice but to ride it out and sometimes you have to make the difficult decision of pulling way back because you don't want it's affects to ripple down into another generation. As with every story there are two sides and this is mine, but I can't sugar-coat that this happened and these are the circumstances and choices my family had to make because of addiction. 

    However, while I can't feel grief anymore and I'm resolute on our decisions over the past few years it does not mean that I don't wish it could be different. I wish that her life could be more, that I could allow my children to be around her, and that she could love me back. But, unfortunately this story doesn't end that way and so I say goodbye to a woman who has been in my family for almost as long as I have and could never find true help for herself for reasons I will never know. 

Being A New Beginning

     Well the wheels are turning. We have decided to step into the unknown and see what the future holds. I've had a few heart to hearts over the past few days with various people and it's been interesting. As you can read in previous posts it has not been an easy decision, but I feel at peace. I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's the right thing to do and now it's time to obey.
     My husband and I keep mulling it over and trying to anticipate the reactions we are going to get and how we are going to respond to them. So far every reaction has been completely different than we saw coming. For example, when we told our kids a couple days ago that we've decided to stay the one child we thought would have the biggest problem with it was very accepting and positive. However, so far the others have not really shared their feelings too much, I think they are still processing.
     In some ways I don't know how we ended up at this point. I can see how God has carefully opened up this path to us, but when exactly we started to walk down it is not entirely clear. I remember when my husband came to me and said he was contemplating this road and wanted to know what I thought. For some reason I felt like it was something I needed to let our family explore. I can't really explain why, because he's done this before and I did not get this feeling and I helped to put the kibosh on it. But, in this particular path I feel like it is right and I know it's going to be incredibly confusing for many of our friends and family. I whine quite often and say "why do we have to be the ones to step out first?" And I think the reason is because we are willing to be receptive to God's calling. I know it's because we've gone through what we have and know what's like when we are not in God's will and we have no interest in doing that again.
     Man, how did my life get here? When I got married 14.5 years ago I NEVER would've dreamed we'd be making these kinds of decisions. I'm excited though, I think God has plans for my little family and if we just obey we can see what they are someday.

Being Content

Contentment has been a struggle for me lately.

Earlier this year we thought we could possibly be moving and the thought of seeing something new thrilled me. However, since that time, different doors have closed and opened so now we just do not know what's in store for our future. A voice inside me keeps whispering to me, "what if this is it? What if God wants you to stay right here for your whole life? Can you obey then?" The truth is, I can, but it's going to a major struggle to be happy about it. I have fully accepted that life is not and should not be about making myself happy, but I just don't know if I can find excitement in the mundane of living in the same place my whole life. After my last post it's clear that I want to see what else this world has to offer besides this small little sleepy town. My naturally accepting personality is not winning over my adventurous spirit lately and so I'm caught here in the balance trying to be a good example and in all honesty just taking one timid step at a time because the future is so unclear and I have big dreams for it. 

Being a Traveler

     

My heart is itching to travel lately. I want to see the world and try to understand it better. I have an opportunity to take a study abroad trip to London and Paris this coming spring, but it doesn't really fit in with some big family events that are coming. So since I have finally excepted that this is not going to happen I have been looking at other trips that I could take that would cost the same or less than what I would have paid for that trip. I could get to quite a few places, but every time I'm working it out something in me says "Can I really be so frivolous?" "Can I really take a trip just because I'm curious about the world?" Over the past year I have visited some cities that are within driving distance that I have not been to before and it was great, but it just feeds my hunger to see what else it out there.
      My ultimate dream is to move and live in the deep south for 2 years, then the west coast for 2 years, and so on. I want to experience different cultures that are contained within the US, but i feel i need to spend more than a vacation there to truly understand it. So those are my dreams, as of right now they all look like a giant pipe dream.


"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."  I Timothy 6:6-8