Being An Addict

     Addiction is a horrible human affliction. 

It's confusing, heart breaking and leaves loved ones at a loss every step of the way. 

I have taken ONE substance abuse class so I am by no means an expert, but I have seen some of the devastating affects first hand so I guess that does give me some insights. 

Good-bye to K.

To say addiction is complicated is a gross understatement.

     I am starting to see what it looks like when loss comes because of addiction and I don't know how to feel. In times like this you're considered cold if you don't react with great sorrow, but really all I feel is nothing. In my mind the addiction has already taken that person from me and I have been living with it all this time anyway. People like to say what a person in my situation "should've felt or done or acted" to cause it not to happen, but unfortunately with addiction you can't save a person who won't accept your help and adamantly pushes you away. I know from my limited research that it's the addiction not the true person reacting this way, but it doesn't change the fact that your hands are tied. You have no choice but to ride it out and sometimes you have to make the difficult decision of pulling way back because you don't want it's affects to ripple down into another generation. As with every story there are two sides and this is mine, but I can't sugar-coat that this happened and these are the circumstances and choices my family had to make because of addiction. 

    However, while I can't feel grief anymore and I'm resolute on our decisions over the past few years it does not mean that I don't wish it could be different. I wish that her life could be more, that I could allow my children to be around her, and that she could love me back. But, unfortunately this story doesn't end that way and so I say goodbye to a woman who has been in my family for almost as long as I have and could never find true help for herself for reasons I will never know. 

Being A New Beginning

     Well the wheels are turning. We have decided to step into the unknown and see what the future holds. I've had a few heart to hearts over the past few days with various people and it's been interesting. As you can read in previous posts it has not been an easy decision, but I feel at peace. I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's the right thing to do and now it's time to obey.
     My husband and I keep mulling it over and trying to anticipate the reactions we are going to get and how we are going to respond to them. So far every reaction has been completely different than we saw coming. For example, when we told our kids a couple days ago that we've decided to stay the one child we thought would have the biggest problem with it was very accepting and positive. However, so far the others have not really shared their feelings too much, I think they are still processing.
     In some ways I don't know how we ended up at this point. I can see how God has carefully opened up this path to us, but when exactly we started to walk down it is not entirely clear. I remember when my husband came to me and said he was contemplating this road and wanted to know what I thought. For some reason I felt like it was something I needed to let our family explore. I can't really explain why, because he's done this before and I did not get this feeling and I helped to put the kibosh on it. But, in this particular path I feel like it is right and I know it's going to be incredibly confusing for many of our friends and family. I whine quite often and say "why do we have to be the ones to step out first?" And I think the reason is because we are willing to be receptive to God's calling. I know it's because we've gone through what we have and know what's like when we are not in God's will and we have no interest in doing that again.
     Man, how did my life get here? When I got married 14.5 years ago I NEVER would've dreamed we'd be making these kinds of decisions. I'm excited though, I think God has plans for my little family and if we just obey we can see what they are someday.

Being Content

Contentment has been a struggle for me lately.

Earlier this year we thought we could possibly be moving and the thought of seeing something new thrilled me. However, since that time, different doors have closed and opened so now we just do not know what's in store for our future. A voice inside me keeps whispering to me, "what if this is it? What if God wants you to stay right here for your whole life? Can you obey then?" The truth is, I can, but it's going to a major struggle to be happy about it. I have fully accepted that life is not and should not be about making myself happy, but I just don't know if I can find excitement in the mundane of living in the same place my whole life. After my last post it's clear that I want to see what else this world has to offer besides this small little sleepy town. My naturally accepting personality is not winning over my adventurous spirit lately and so I'm caught here in the balance trying to be a good example and in all honesty just taking one timid step at a time because the future is so unclear and I have big dreams for it. 

Being a Traveler

     

My heart is itching to travel lately. I want to see the world and try to understand it better. I have an opportunity to take a study abroad trip to London and Paris this coming spring, but it doesn't really fit in with some big family events that are coming. So since I have finally excepted that this is not going to happen I have been looking at other trips that I could take that would cost the same or less than what I would have paid for that trip. I could get to quite a few places, but every time I'm working it out something in me says "Can I really be so frivolous?" "Can I really take a trip just because I'm curious about the world?" Over the past year I have visited some cities that are within driving distance that I have not been to before and it was great, but it just feeds my hunger to see what else it out there.
      My ultimate dream is to move and live in the deep south for 2 years, then the west coast for 2 years, and so on. I want to experience different cultures that are contained within the US, but i feel i need to spend more than a vacation there to truly understand it. So those are my dreams, as of right now they all look like a giant pipe dream.


"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."  I Timothy 6:6-8

Being a Risk-Taker

     I love adventure,  the thought of stepping out and not really knowing where I'm going thrills me. However, as a sensible mother I am not so keen on taking risks that effect my children's lives in large ways. I am afraid my family is approaching a very  serious crossroad and I am not exactly sure where this road is going to end up. I spoke awhile back about how 2014 was our year of obedience and I am wondering if that is also going to apply to 2016. Unfortunately, 2016 may be the year where we give up everything to obey and I'm wondering how it's going to look, because I'm pretty sure I know it's not going to feel too good at first.
     I find myself telling our youngest numerous times each day "I am looking for obedience and when only half of your body obeys it's not really obeying at all." I think that advice may apply to my current situation, I know which way is right and I *want* to obey, but I know there is going to be a lot of pain and misunderstanding from these decisions. I am a mother, and I try to be intentional about my job, so I find myself constantly assessing how decisions my husband and I make will influence our children's worldview. Expanding their experiences has been in the front of my mind lately. I want them to know there is more than this small town life. I want them to know that there are people that are not exactly like us and it's okay because we all need Jesus.
     It's really hard to uproot them in some ways to show them all of these things, but sometimes the end product is worth the pain of getting there.

Being Heartbroken

      When I used to think of heartbreak it always had to do with my own disappointment of some kind. My family is getting ready to embark in a type of heartbreak that we are choosing to, in some degree, put ourselves through. We are struggling to understand how we will do this when we know it will hurt many people. A passage of scripture I recently read gave me chills it is Mark 10:28-30,
      "Peter began to speak to him, 'Look, we have left everything to follow you!' Jesus said, 'I tell you the truth, there is no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive in this age a hundred times as much- homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, fields, all with persecutions -and in the age to come, eternal life." 
     I just can't help but wonder, if I obey then will God be able to use my family in new ways that are better than we've ever experienced before?

I need to know that this pain is going to be worth it.  

Being Mama: to Someone Else's Baby

I had some preconceived notions about adoption. It is, like what most things in life seem to be, not what I expected. Here's an exerpt from my journal:

Sometimes (most times) I feel overwhelmed by adoption. Overwhelmed because of just dealing with a little 3 year old stranger. Then overwhelmed with the magnitude of the privilege it is to raise him for his birth mom. Lastly, overwhelmed that God chose our family to be the ones to pour ourselves into this little boy. I want to do right by him and I want to point him to Jesus, I'm just hoping my sinful nature doesn't get in the way.  

It's hard to describe what it's like to be an adoptive family. It is is by far one of the most difficult things I have experienced in my life. I'm not sure people believe me when I say that because it doesn't look that hard from the outside. Our boy is doing extremely well and we are so thankful for that. But it's also such a unique situation that it's really hard to find anyone who really understands what it's like to actually go through it.

  Hollywood paints adoption in 2 very different ways. Amazing: you're 'saving' a child from an awful situation and the child ends up loving you and fits seamlessly into your family. And the adopted child feels grateful for the sacrifices you've made and expresses that openly to you. **Ahhh, isn't that so sweet?!** OR there are the 'horror' stories, the ones filled with pain, violence, and ultimately resentment. I'm sure you've heard the stories and they may have even scared you off from ever even considering opening your house to an orphan. 

   So far our story is nothing like either of those scenarios. Does our boy love us, yes. Does he want his way and will go to GREAT lengths to get it, absolutely. After raising 4 biological children and regularly babysitting several others you wouldn't think one little 3 year old would have much to surprise me with. But, he does!  He's SO stubborn and willful and I am not. So as you can probably guess that paints a very interesting picture of our 'bonding time'. I do see so much potential in him and I'm willing to be uncomfortable to help him to reach it but is isn't without feeling personal sacrifice.

  When people ask us, would you do it all over again we always say yes. Why? Because our boy needed us. It was not such a concrete, in your face, answer a year ago but it absolutely is now. When you start the adoption process you're put on a preverbal scale. On one side is the couple who wants a child to help fulfill a longing they have and haven't been able to satisfy 'traditionally' by having children of their own. On the other side is the couple who wants to help a child in need. Now this is a sliding scale and neither side is better or worse than the other, but people sure like to give you their opinion on which side is best. For the record almost no one agrees. We are definitely on the wanting to help side of scale and I am okay with that, because I know where my heart is and I KNOW God wanted me to place myself in this situation for this one little boy.

  As I look back on our last 2 years it has truly been amazing to see how people react to our family and our decision. We have had everything from disgust and confusion to happy tears and inquiry. These reactions have not changed our mind about adoption one bit. Adoption fits our family and will ALWAYS have a special place in our hearts.

Being Great

         

I had a conversation a few months back with my 8 year old. He said to me very politely, "mom, I know you are good at a lot of things, but what are you best at?" I didn't know how to answer him because I dabble in a plethora (look at me using college level vocabulary!!) of different activities. It made me wonder am I spreading myself out too thin so that I cannot really excel at anything? 

            

If you know me you know I have a lot going on at pretty much all times.

I like to blame it on heredity, because I grew up in chaos, but really I think it's a coping mechanism. I have a major character flaw called pride, I like to think I can do a lot on my own, but honestly there is no earthly way I could accomplish what I do without God's help. I'm working on it and trying to give credit where credit is due, but I fail A LOT! 

This year God has been leading me in some interesting directions and is teaching me which things in life I'm truly interested in. There has definitely been some surprises along the way, but it almost all has been exciting. I have decided to step back a little from a few ministries that I do enjoy, but I feel led to move on from and take on some huge, hard projects that are not quite so comfortable. 

           

In many ways the past year I have felt like a failure or at least ignorant because I didn't see it all coming down the pipe. Losing friendships is not easy, but sometimes its necessary for growth. 

So to answer my boy's question, what am I great at? It's hard to say because with greatness also comes a large amount of failure and that is hard to shake off. I just hope that I am great at being a student of this life and those around me, because I am still a work in progress.

Being a Student

I think that if someone were to examine my life they would feel like they are experiencing whiplash. I move through projects and processes very quickly it would seem. I'm pretty sure people don't understand that about me. I'm a pretty private person. I don't really make my intentions known until I've completely decided to do something and I'm ready to jump in with both feet. I promise I do put a lot of thought into decisions ahead of time I just don't broadcast it until I've fully decided.

This particular endeavor I have been considering for a while now and I think I'm ready to make the leap back into the world of academia. I've only told a couple people and they have all been encouraging, but still there's that little voice inside me that says
"Why now? Why not wait for a more convenient time? You are so going to fail at this again! You're so busy!" I know it's just fear, but still it sure can shout loudly and convincingly. I've been praying about returning to school for 6+ months and I really feel like God is leading me to go back and finish what I started 14 years ago. I have a couple ideas where I'm hoping this degree completion will take me but I'm not ready to share that just yet, I need to ponder it a little longer. And it looks completely different than what I thought I wanted when I started my degree at 18 years old. I'm equal parts excited and terrified of where this road is going to lead me. So I'm going to adopt the motto of Disney's Meet the Robinsons and just say to myself "Just keep moving forward." So that's where I currently am. Welcome to the crazy world known as my life.

Being Turtle

"I've got a river of life flowing out of me... spring up oh Well and make me whole."

       I'm a very goal oriented person so when I feel like I'm at a stand still in my Christian walk I feel like I should do something to change it up a little to get past the plateau. That works in fitness why shouldn't it work here, right? 

      For the past year our church hasn't really been able to move past some issues that we are having and it's caused a lot of hurt, abandonment, accusations, and many other painful situations. I keep thinking we just have to keep going to see God's reasons for all this pain, but honestly I'm starting to waver. It feels as though we are all so caught up in the 'noise' that we can't put the proper attention into the ministries that are right in front of us. When I think of the year to come I'm feeling very discouraged. I can't stand to think that maybe we'll be in the exact same spot next year and have another year thrown away for nothing. I know God is moving, but I barely can see it because it looks different then how it ever has before. 

      I am reading Proverbs 18 today and finding comfort. 

18:10 The name of the Lord ³²  is like ³³  a strong tower; ³⁴ the righteous person runs ³⁵  to it and is set safely on high. ³⁶

 18:11 The wealth ³⁷  of a rich person is like ³⁸  a strong city, ³⁹ 

and it is like a high wall in his imagination. ⁴⁰ 

18:12 Before destruction the heart ⁴¹  of a person is proud,

but humility comes ⁴²  before honor. ⁴³ 

18:13 The one who gives an answer ⁴⁴  before he listens ⁴⁵  –

that is his folly and his shame. ⁴⁶ 

18:14 A person’s spirit ⁴⁷  sustains him through sickness –

but who can bear ⁴⁸  a crushed spirit? ⁴⁹ 

18:15 The discerning person ⁵⁰  acquires knowledge,

and the wise person ⁵¹  seeks ⁵²  knowledge.

I do so much think that all of this trouble is going to grow me in a way that I wouldn't have grown otherwise.      

Slow and steady... Slow and steady...

Being Encouraged

I can be there for you when it can't get much harder
I can cover your head when life starts to rain
I can hold on tight when you feel like you're falling
I can bread crumb the path when you've lost your way
I can make you laugh when the whole world is crying
I can build you up when you're broken in shame
But if all that we do is absent of Jesus, then this so called love is completely in vain...


This song speaks to me and I wanted to share.

Being a Happy Ending

 I love hearing women's love stories, there's just something so real and exciting about them. Does that make me a hopeless romantic? Probably, I don't care.
Quite often I'm asked how I fell in love with my husband, and all I can really say is a little bit at a time. When I think back to our beginning I wonder if it really was love that I felt at that time. It looks and feels so different than it does now. I'm sure in another 15 years it will look completely different from now, and I'll be contemplating it again. I love that about love, it's constantly changing but it's still remains so powerful.

When I said my vows 13 and a half years ago, I didn't expect that I would be so happy. I HOPED I would be, but I didn't expect to be. In my mind our marriage could have gone a lot of different ways. All I knew was that I was going to do what was best for my child and to me that was a 2-parent family. I'll give you a little insight into me, I'm a very accepting person. It has it's advantages but it also has it's disadvantages. Advantage- I adapt to situations pretty easily. Disadvantage- I never think to try to change things. So when I came into this marriage I just accepted that it was going to be my life and I would just live within it no matter what happened. I wasn't sure if there would continue to be love or if resentment would set in either my heart or my husband's once things became hard. Thankfully God knew this about me and gave me someone who was the polar opposite and would want to see change eventually.

I'm so thankful for the decision so many years go, even though it was made out of necessity it was the right one for me.

Being Open: Social Media

Lately I have been contemplating social media. Can we have a 24/7 fly-on-the-wall's view of our friends, family and even just acquaintances and not let it "suck our souls"? 

I love it because I can stay connected with old friends and watch as their families grow. Also, it makes sending information out VERY easy. I also love to study other people and learn a little about what makes them tick. Or just escaping my little space in the world and hearing about how one of my current favorite blogger/artist raises her 6 sons. 

There is of course the other side of the coin where people share too much, or even just too often. 

My kids are just getting to the age where social media is starting to be part of their everyday life. Now that the stakes are high it makes me wonder how I'm going to help them navigate this world where we know every little detail about everyone's lives and sometimes even their bodies.

I don't want my kids to let social media define who they are. I want them to take it by the horns and tell it who is boss. I don't want it to strip them of their innocents and make them want things they don't have. But, I also feel like they can learn from it, because some form of social media is going to be around for their whole lives.

Which still leaves me wondering: Can there be social media without soul sucking?

I'll let you know when I know.

Being Helper

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Sometimes (most times) I can't seem to figure out how to be a helpmate for my husband. We are opposites in almost every single aspect of life. He's all sci-fi and I'm romantic comedy. He's words and I'm thoughts, he's cynical and I'm happy-go-lucky, he's podcasts and I'm music. In most ways it isn't a big deal to be so different. In fact, it's kind of nice because we are able to see first hand what the other side looks like and then make well informed decisions. 

But, sometimes when trouble comes and when he's overwhelmed I just have to sit here and watch helplessly. He tells me, and I believe him, that I am his perfect mate because of our differences, but that doesn't make watching the pain any easier. Thirteen years has taught me how to study him so I can adapt to better suit him, however there are still plenty of blanks. 

Since he's been working from home 3 years ago we've gotten really close, scary close (we sometimes even know what the other is going to say before they say it!!! Freaky!). I've learned that when he's really grouchy it's usually because he's just frustrated and feeling overworked (or hungry!) and it's not me. Or many times he speaks before he thinks and that I need to either just listen to the words and not the tone or else in a calm and loving way point out that he didn't communicate so well. 

This past year has been one that he has been stretched incredibly thin and I've found my job is to just listen. I wasn't expecting that listening would be my number one prerequisite for "Helper". The word helper has a simple definition it simply means: "Someone who helps someone else." That's easy, right?! Not often. It's hard to JUST be a listener, or JUST be a respecter, or JUST be a secret keeper (not in an unhealthy way, but in a "I'm keeping mine and my husband's dirty laundry off Facebook" kind of way), or even just be a house cleaner/cook/baby wrangler all simultaneously. But 2014 has taught me  this: Listening is sometimes all my guy really needs. He doesn't always need a way to fix something and a lot of times he doesn't really need my opinion on the matter, he just need me to be a person who listens and a person who will always points him back to our Creator.  

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the Lord.¹⁹ ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you²⁰ a future filled with hope.²¹

Being, Just Being: 2014 Edition

The end of the year always puts me into reflection mode. 

This year has been...well, it's really been so many different things. It started with anticipation and ended with anticipation with so many feelings and emotions sandwiched in the middle. 

2014 has been amazing in so, so many ways.

Then, completely discouraging in a  lot more soul searching, "what do I really believe" ways. 

Sometimes it's so incredibly hard to feel the good parts of life when you're down in the mire. 

Everyone loves to point out that we need to count our blessings, but sometimes you wonder how exactly you're supposed to do that. 

I grew up ALWAYS looking for the silver-lining in situations and people. 

But, sometimes life throws so much at you that it feels like you're drowning.

For Christmas my husband bought me some new Chuck Taylor's to replace my old worn out 20-year old pair. Though I'm super excited to have a new pair that will actually stay strapped on my feet and not let the elements in anymore. It made me think of everything those shoes and I have been through over the past 20 years. It's been a wild ride, and I've learned many valuable lessons in that time.

The most valuable lesson being: I'm really only interested in following God.

In some ways I wish I could go back to when my first Chuck's were new and tell myself "You would save yourself so much time and regret if you would just believe and follow God." (Not that I would've listened, my heart was no where near the right place for that.) But then I wouldn't have had the life experiences that lead me here either. There wouldn't be these specific kids, or this specific marriage, or most importantly this specific relationship with Jesus. So I guess I needed those 20 years in those Chucks to walk me right to where I am today.


I'm hopeful that when my new Chuck's wear out and I'm looking back in 2034 I'll understand why I had to go through the pains of the next 20 years and that I will find myself still faithfully following God above all else.