Being Halfway Through 2016

If you go back to the beginning of the year you'll find a post where I chose to not have any expectations for the year. 

I feel I have stuck to that, but I know I am on the cusp of some new things and I can't help but be introspective about my life up until now. 

I will only be a part of my MOPS group for another 2 weeks and it makes me a little sad to walk away from the ladies I have spent so much time, energy, and love on. I know it's time and I know it will free up my time to pursue new avenues that I did not have time to investigate before. In short, change is just hard sometimes. 

I remember one time over the winter when I went to our old church to do something when no one was there and I knew that my time spent there was going to be limited for awhile and then peter out completely. I stood there and just looked at the empty building where there was numerous classrooms that I had dedicated myself to working in for a long time. I knew it was the end of a chapter in my life and I didn't know what I would do without it. 

It turns out the transition to the new chapter has been good, with a few hiccups. I have seen how adaptive my family can be and how they are able to easily make new friends, which is a relief. 

However, in someways I feel like I am floundering a little, but not in a bad way more of a "God what now?" kind of way. I sort of find it odd that God has moved us yet left us right here too. I think that is probably the most confusing part of it. I feel like I have told God that I am willing to obey in big changes yet it's the lack of small changes that I cannot understand. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to navigate this huge commute to church stuff. I just can't grasp how I translate that into encouraging people from our area to join us. Perhaps that's the core of the problem, I am too worried about providing a church experience for people when all I really need to do is tell them about God. I think of two teenage boys who used to live a couple doors down from us and spent pretty much everyday one summer in my backyard. I recently ran into them and they were excited to tell me that they were going to a birthday party at our old church. I didn't tell them that I had moved on because I know they wouldn't understand. But I couldn't help but think to myself, "all that ground work and I am not even going to see how it turns out." I guess I am still working through some bitterness too. Mostly just the bitterness that we couldn't find a way to fit in. I saw clearly that we would never be able to reach our "full potential" there, but it doesn't change the fact that I wish we could have. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE where we are right now. Its mostly just navigating all our old friendships. No one really understands why we had to make the decision we did to walk away. We've explained it a number of times, but its hard to explain without feeling like we are slinging mud. We don't want to be mean about it, but it seems like everyone else has no problem laying on the guilt trips, so we're caught in this weird catch 22. I guess life is just like that and I will, as always, stand by silently and watch it go by.

Being a Fairytale

Fifteen years. 

I can hardly believe that it has been that long since we set out on this journey.

I could never have dreamed what these years would hold.

I got married at 7:00 in the evening, in a garden, in a very short ceremony, with less than 100 people in attendance (I still have a soft spot for small weddings because of it).

The day I was married it was unseasonably cold and it rained during the day. 

About two hours before the ceremony my mother burned a hold into the front of my dress (for some reason she loves to tell this story). 

Neither the rain nor the hole phased me.

However, I will always remember at one point right before the ceremony for some reason I was left alone in the front of the building just standing there thinking....

Thinking, what am I doing? Do I want to bind myself to this man forever? Is this really the right decision? I could just walk out the front door and drive away and it would be okay, I think.

I didn't do it and for that I am thankful.

I've written about how our marriage was "out of necessity" before. But, I don't think I have ever talked about what exactly I have experienced as a wife. There's no way I could talk about everything in one post, so I'm going to just think through some events that changed me.

Here we go...

I remember our first fight. I don't remember what we fought about, but I remember taking the dog and just walking the city blocks thinking and stewing and then eventually deciding to let it go. It would be a strategy I would use often because let's face it everyone messes up and sometimes you just have to choose to let it go and forgive.

I remember digging out all of our bills and working together to pay everything down little by little.

I remember seeing the tears in my husband's eyes when he met his son for the first time and how my dumb first thought when I saw him was "wow, he has big feet." 

I remember the miles upon miles my first baby and I made around the east side of the city we lived in at that time, because I was lonely and our apartment was sweltering.

I remember almost burning down the kitchen while trying to make cornish hens (I haven't made them since).

I remember being lonely and wanted to move back home.

I remember moving back home and going back to church.

I remember a trip to Niagara Falls where I only saw the falls from the bridge crossing the border.

I remember having my first daughter after a violin lesson.

I remember my husband suddenly burning all of his comic books and me not fully understanding why.

I remember promising my husband to listen to all of J Vernon McGee's sermons before I die, even though his voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I remember fully committing myself to God.

I remember a crazy February snow storm when we made the news because of the amount of snow we recieved.

I remember having a baby during said storm.

I remember thinking we were done having kids at three.

I remember being surprised to find out I was pregnant with my fourth.

I remember another little girl coming into the world and stealing her daddy's heart straight away.

I remember laughter, lots of laughter. Laughter at my kids, laughter at my husband. Learning that my whole-hearted belly laugh can make my husband crumble beside me.

I remember a new "giant" house.

I remember a career change for my husband and him getting shingles because he was so stressed.

I remember pushing my husband to pursue his degree.

I remember having my husband come to me and saying "so I'm feeling we need to open ourselves up to adoption."

I remember seeing this little blueberry-eyed, blonde boy peek his little head around the door to see "who was here to see him."

I remember rushing to the ER to see my oldest have his kneecap relocated and him yelling for me.

I remember hearing my youngest crying for only me when he was coming out of anesthesia.

 I remember standing by and watching as the church I grew up in started to not meet our needs anymore.

I remember feeling hopeless to help my little energizer bunny and wishing there was someone who could help me.

I remember going back to college so that other moms wouldn't have to feel like that.

I remember deciding it was time to move on and pursue different things spiritually.

I remember watching my husband become sensitive to the needs of others and truly caring.

I remember starting this marriage thinking I would just have to live with it because I got myself into this mess.

And I remember God having another plan and allowing my husband and I to grow and experience all these things together and to become closer and happier than we've ever been before.

As I remember all of these things all I can say is; "Man, this sure has been a crazy ride." It's funny to think back and see how our love and family looks so different from when it started. I never could've guessed fifteen years ago we would be here today. 

It seems every year we talk about how there won't be anything as big as the year before, but somehow God keeps surprising us. We think to ourselves, what's bigger than ____ and all of a sudden our world is turned upside down.

 I cannot presume to even guess what surprise is in store this year or the years to come. I know there will be some pain and some happiness, but I just don't know how it will manifest itself. Honestly, I'm kind of excited to find out.