Being a Student

I think that if someone were to examine my life they would feel like they are experiencing whiplash. I move through projects and processes very quickly it would seem. I'm pretty sure people don't understand that about me. I'm a pretty private person. I don't really make my intentions known until I've completely decided to do something and I'm ready to jump in with both feet. I promise I do put a lot of thought into decisions ahead of time I just don't broadcast it until I've fully decided.

This particular endeavor I have been considering for a while now and I think I'm ready to make the leap back into the world of academia. I've only told a couple people and they have all been encouraging, but still there's that little voice inside me that says
"Why now? Why not wait for a more convenient time? You are so going to fail at this again! You're so busy!" I know it's just fear, but still it sure can shout loudly and convincingly. I've been praying about returning to school for 6+ months and I really feel like God is leading me to go back and finish what I started 14 years ago. I have a couple ideas where I'm hoping this degree completion will take me but I'm not ready to share that just yet, I need to ponder it a little longer. And it looks completely different than what I thought I wanted when I started my degree at 18 years old. I'm equal parts excited and terrified of where this road is going to lead me. So I'm going to adopt the motto of Disney's Meet the Robinsons and just say to myself "Just keep moving forward." So that's where I currently am. Welcome to the crazy world known as my life.

Being Turtle

"I've got a river of life flowing out of me... spring up oh Well and make me whole."

       I'm a very goal oriented person so when I feel like I'm at a stand still in my Christian walk I feel like I should do something to change it up a little to get past the plateau. That works in fitness why shouldn't it work here, right? 

      For the past year our church hasn't really been able to move past some issues that we are having and it's caused a lot of hurt, abandonment, accusations, and many other painful situations. I keep thinking we just have to keep going to see God's reasons for all this pain, but honestly I'm starting to waver. It feels as though we are all so caught up in the 'noise' that we can't put the proper attention into the ministries that are right in front of us. When I think of the year to come I'm feeling very discouraged. I can't stand to think that maybe we'll be in the exact same spot next year and have another year thrown away for nothing. I know God is moving, but I barely can see it because it looks different then how it ever has before. 

      I am reading Proverbs 18 today and finding comfort. 

18:10 The name of the Lord ³²  is like ³³  a strong tower; ³⁴ the righteous person runs ³⁵  to it and is set safely on high. ³⁶

 18:11 The wealth ³⁷  of a rich person is like ³⁸  a strong city, ³⁹ 

and it is like a high wall in his imagination. ⁴⁰ 

18:12 Before destruction the heart ⁴¹  of a person is proud,

but humility comes ⁴²  before honor. ⁴³ 

18:13 The one who gives an answer ⁴⁴  before he listens ⁴⁵  –

that is his folly and his shame. ⁴⁶ 

18:14 A person’s spirit ⁴⁷  sustains him through sickness –

but who can bear ⁴⁸  a crushed spirit? ⁴⁹ 

18:15 The discerning person ⁵⁰  acquires knowledge,

and the wise person ⁵¹  seeks ⁵²  knowledge.

I do so much think that all of this trouble is going to grow me in a way that I wouldn't have grown otherwise.      

Slow and steady... Slow and steady...

Being Encouraged

I can be there for you when it can't get much harder
I can cover your head when life starts to rain
I can hold on tight when you feel like you're falling
I can bread crumb the path when you've lost your way
I can make you laugh when the whole world is crying
I can build you up when you're broken in shame
But if all that we do is absent of Jesus, then this so called love is completely in vain...


This song speaks to me and I wanted to share.

Being a Happy Ending

 I love hearing women's love stories, there's just something so real and exciting about them. Does that make me a hopeless romantic? Probably, I don't care.
Quite often I'm asked how I fell in love with my husband, and all I can really say is a little bit at a time. When I think back to our beginning I wonder if it really was love that I felt at that time. It looks and feels so different than it does now. I'm sure in another 15 years it will look completely different from now, and I'll be contemplating it again. I love that about love, it's constantly changing but it's still remains so powerful.

When I said my vows 13 and a half years ago, I didn't expect that I would be so happy. I HOPED I would be, but I didn't expect to be. In my mind our marriage could have gone a lot of different ways. All I knew was that I was going to do what was best for my child and to me that was a 2-parent family. I'll give you a little insight into me, I'm a very accepting person. It has it's advantages but it also has it's disadvantages. Advantage- I adapt to situations pretty easily. Disadvantage- I never think to try to change things. So when I came into this marriage I just accepted that it was going to be my life and I would just live within it no matter what happened. I wasn't sure if there would continue to be love or if resentment would set in either my heart or my husband's once things became hard. Thankfully God knew this about me and gave me someone who was the polar opposite and would want to see change eventually.

I'm so thankful for the decision so many years go, even though it was made out of necessity it was the right one for me.

Being Open: Social Media

Lately I have been contemplating social media. Can we have a 24/7 fly-on-the-wall's view of our friends, family and even just acquaintances and not let it "suck our souls"? 

I love it because I can stay connected with old friends and watch as their families grow. Also, it makes sending information out VERY easy. I also love to study other people and learn a little about what makes them tick. Or just escaping my little space in the world and hearing about how one of my current favorite blogger/artist raises her 6 sons. 

There is of course the other side of the coin where people share too much, or even just too often. 

My kids are just getting to the age where social media is starting to be part of their everyday life. Now that the stakes are high it makes me wonder how I'm going to help them navigate this world where we know every little detail about everyone's lives and sometimes even their bodies.

I don't want my kids to let social media define who they are. I want them to take it by the horns and tell it who is boss. I don't want it to strip them of their innocents and make them want things they don't have. But, I also feel like they can learn from it, because some form of social media is going to be around for their whole lives.

Which still leaves me wondering: Can there be social media without soul sucking?

I'll let you know when I know.

Being Helper

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.

Sometimes (most times) I can't seem to figure out how to be a helpmate for my husband. We are opposites in almost every single aspect of life. He's all sci-fi and I'm romantic comedy. He's words and I'm thoughts, he's cynical and I'm happy-go-lucky, he's podcasts and I'm music. In most ways it isn't a big deal to be so different. In fact, it's kind of nice because we are able to see first hand what the other side looks like and then make well informed decisions. 

But, sometimes when trouble comes and when he's overwhelmed I just have to sit here and watch helplessly. He tells me, and I believe him, that I am his perfect mate because of our differences, but that doesn't make watching the pain any easier. Thirteen years has taught me how to study him so I can adapt to better suit him, however there are still plenty of blanks. 

Since he's been working from home 3 years ago we've gotten really close, scary close (we sometimes even know what the other is going to say before they say it!!! Freaky!). I've learned that when he's really grouchy it's usually because he's just frustrated and feeling overworked (or hungry!) and it's not me. Or many times he speaks before he thinks and that I need to either just listen to the words and not the tone or else in a calm and loving way point out that he didn't communicate so well. 

This past year has been one that he has been stretched incredibly thin and I've found my job is to just listen. I wasn't expecting that listening would be my number one prerequisite for "Helper". The word helper has a simple definition it simply means: "Someone who helps someone else." That's easy, right?! Not often. It's hard to JUST be a listener, or JUST be a respecter, or JUST be a secret keeper (not in an unhealthy way, but in a "I'm keeping mine and my husband's dirty laundry off Facebook" kind of way), or even just be a house cleaner/cook/baby wrangler all simultaneously. But 2014 has taught me  this: Listening is sometimes all my guy really needs. He doesn't always need a way to fix something and a lot of times he doesn't really need my opinion on the matter, he just need me to be a person who listens and a person who will always points him back to our Creator.  

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the Lord.¹⁹ ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you²⁰ a future filled with hope.²¹

Being, Just Being: 2014 Edition

The end of the year always puts me into reflection mode. 

This year has been...well, it's really been so many different things. It started with anticipation and ended with anticipation with so many feelings and emotions sandwiched in the middle. 

2014 has been amazing in so, so many ways.

Then, completely discouraging in a  lot more soul searching, "what do I really believe" ways. 

Sometimes it's so incredibly hard to feel the good parts of life when you're down in the mire. 

Everyone loves to point out that we need to count our blessings, but sometimes you wonder how exactly you're supposed to do that. 

I grew up ALWAYS looking for the silver-lining in situations and people. 

But, sometimes life throws so much at you that it feels like you're drowning.

For Christmas my husband bought me some new Chuck Taylor's to replace my old worn out 20-year old pair. Though I'm super excited to have a new pair that will actually stay strapped on my feet and not let the elements in anymore. It made me think of everything those shoes and I have been through over the past 20 years. It's been a wild ride, and I've learned many valuable lessons in that time.

The most valuable lesson being: I'm really only interested in following God.

In some ways I wish I could go back to when my first Chuck's were new and tell myself "You would save yourself so much time and regret if you would just believe and follow God." (Not that I would've listened, my heart was no where near the right place for that.) But then I wouldn't have had the life experiences that lead me here either. There wouldn't be these specific kids, or this specific marriage, or most importantly this specific relationship with Jesus. So I guess I needed those 20 years in those Chucks to walk me right to where I am today.


I'm hopeful that when my new Chuck's wear out and I'm looking back in 2034 I'll understand why I had to go through the pains of the next 20 years and that I will find myself still faithfully following God above all else.