Being a Christian at Christmas

I grew up never believing in Santa and I assumed I wouldn't start with my kids. I was wrong. My third child was bound and determined that Santa existed and I must admit it was a little fun to feed his imagination. So we have continued the tradition and I'm perfectly fine with it.

Yes, I know some people think that you shouldn't because it's "lying to your kid" or "giving them the wrong impression of what Christmas is all about." But I think if either of those reactions is the result of believing in Santa when they are small then I am not doing my job as a parent the rest of the year.

I know not every Christian parent is like me but I make it my job year-round to be sure that my kids understand that I am there for them and will tell them the truth. In fact, I guess some would say I take it to extremes because I choose to spend 15 hours a day with them (whether they like it or not) and we talk a LOT. I also live in a way that I'm confident that my kids know how I feel about Jesus and his birth. The saying goes "actions are louder than words" and it is true when it comes to children. Seriously, they are watching and learn from you all year. So far I have not seen that this one little Christmas tradition has ruined the foundation I have laid the 9 other months of a year. I think we have to be careful when we decide something for our families that we don't project our own baggage onto others. I do not think believing i
n Santa is wrong if the biblical foundation is there and let's face it Santa is a fleeting belief. By the time my kids are about 8-9 they are realizing that the idea of Santa is far-fetched. So while I did not set out to teach my kids about Santa, it has happened. I don't need or want a lecture about it. I want you to trust that I have my children's best interests, both spiritually and physically, at heart and to be honest Santa can be a tool for communication about other things if you are crafty and think outside the box. 

Being "Weird" at Halloween

A lot of my choices are not conventional you can look at my story and see that, but when October 31st rolls around it seems to become glaringly obvious to everyone, not just my readers, that this is the case. Honestly, I have never had a person ask me why I don't let my kids celebrate Halloween and I am not sure why. Perhaps everyone thinks they know, the lady at the cash register certainly thought she did when she quizzed my daughter about her costume. But the truth is, we don't celebrate because I cannot rationalize it. Trust me I know that it's about intentions and most (all) of the children walking the streets asking for candy do not intend to be worshiping anything...except that future sugar-high...but the history of the day still remains and I cannot get past it. I think the conversation I had with my 7-year-old sums up my feelings on the day perfectly.

S- Mom, I wish did could celebrate Halloween and get all that candy.
Me- I know. Why don't we celebrate Halloween?
S- Because it was once a holiday set aside to worship someone other than the one true God.
Me- Yup, I'm sorry you are sad about the candy.
S- *sigh* I just wish there was a holiday that we could celebrate God and eat a lot of candy.

So what it truly boils down to with me is that I cannot bring myself to celebrate a holiday that was once used (and in all honesty is still for some) to worship the enemy of the God I believe to be true. Am I being an overly cautious parent? No, I don't think I am. Am I trying to take away my children's fun, absolutely not! But I am trying to teach them that because I believe so deeply in something that I am willing to make sacrifices for it.
 I do not write this to try to "sell" my idea about Halloween or give the impression that everyone should believe as I do. I am simply explaining what my intentions are for not allowing my children to participate and hopefully inspire someone to put some thought and research into his or her own intentions for celebrating.

Being Surprised!

Over the past couple months, we have had a huge surprise in our family. One we weren't prepared for, but a happy gift none the less. We found out that our family is growing again. If I were more chemically unstable then when I saw those two blue lines you would have had to pick me up off the bathroom floor, instead, I just stood there in shock considering what this was going to make 2018 look like for us. I'm not going to lie it was kind of fun sharing a surprise so far out of left field that no one even suspected it, but it does still change things some. For example, I thought I was going to walk in my commencement ceremony in May and that I would start looking for a part-time job to use my education not that I would be organizing a nursery and writing a birth plan again. This is one of those times when I just think "Okay God, what's the plan now?" At the moment my best guess is that God wants me to take a beat and just be a mom for a year and then regroup. I guess we'll see what doors are opened because of this very big and beautiful surprise.

Being an Educator

It's here, back to school time, and it has me thinking.
I have been in the homeschooling realm of schooling for the past 28 years with a short 7-year span in the middle when I had children too small to officially homeschool. So I feel fairly confident in saying that I have a good grasp on the educational system, at least in my state.
I want to clear up some of the misconceptions (as always these are my views and opinions so do not hold every homeschooling family to them).

Misconception number 1: Yes, I am a homeschooler and no I do not hate the public school system.

I have a lot of reasons for homeschooling my children and I know others have reasons for utilizing the public school system or a private school of their choosing. Let's stop the debate over what is best. We're all just parents trying to do what we can to educate our children to the best of our abilities. I won't judge you for sending your kids to school so please don't judge me for keeping mine home.

Misconception number 2: We wear our pajamas all day.

To my children's demise, this is seldom the case. It is not so much that they don't want to or I don't want to let them, it's that we are busy. You see all those extracurricular subjects you get at school (music, gym, art, etc.) we have to take lessons or meet up with others for them and since the only people who seem to think PJ's double as regular clothes are college students we must get dressed every day.

Misconception number 3: Homeschooling causes children to be unsocialized.

This one is tricky because it is hard to prove and because each family is so different. The level of socialization depends strongly on the parents' preferences, family involvement with outside activities, family size and a number of other constructs. To help with the socializing of our children (and ourselves) we put our kids in a lot of sports and clubs. I do not think this is completely necessary it is just what our family does. We love people and we want our kids to love them too so that they have a heart to share the gospel with them. I think socialization is an issue that stems from the heart. Where you're heart is will be where you spend your time. So yes, some homeschooled kids are standoffish (I'm not going to lie), but some are not and I think you can find those 2 types of kids in any type of school setting.

Misconception number 4: Homeschooling is too hard for me to even consider.

Well, I am here to tell you that it is not really if you know where to look. There is some incredible curriculum out there that lays out exactly what you need to know. I do not have a degree in education, but I have crazy, self-taught, research skills that mean I am constantly educating myself on what is out there to give my children a well-rounded education that will allow them to hopefully enter college seamlessly someday. You can do that too, honest. Plus, here's a little secret, most other homeschooling parents love to talk about it and give recommendations. So, if you're willing to research and receive recommendations you'll be in fine shape.

Misconception number 5: Homeschooled children do not receive the education they need to thrive in the real world when they are adults.

I must admit, this misconception upsets me. Homeschooling my children is a full-time job for me, literally! I spend a lot of time working to make sure my children keep up with their studies and have a full education. One major difference with homeschooling is that my classrooms are so small I can cater my children's education to their strengths and weaknesses. I test my children every year for this particular reason. If I see that they are struggling in a subject we work harder to try to fully understand it in the future. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to do in public school because of the sheer number of children. Personalized education is my jam so please don't diminish my efforts.

Being a Sports Family

We spend most of our evenings on bleachers or lawn chairs. 

As I sit there I can't help but notice that many times my kids are the only homeschoolers there.

I know homeschool parents have different reasons for the things they do and we do not all share the same view on many things. But it saddens me that they are not taking the opportunities that their kids have to learn how to work as a team.
I think in terms of a team in almost every situation in life. I think of my doctor as a teammate and my pastor, my husband and even my children as part of my team. We're all in this crazy game together and I want my kids to be able to move around in these circles supporting and encouraging others. I don't think competition is bad for kids. I think we need to encourage it to an extent so they are able to develop a drive to complete tasks as adults. I also know that winning and losing teaches very valuable lessons. Winning can teach both humility and pride and, maybe even more importantly, losing teaches how to handle disappointment and how to learn from mistakes. However, I am also a firm believer that while sports teach these things there is only a limited amount of time before it is time to move on and live a life that most likely will not involve soccer or softball. I want to help my kids navigate that time as well by giving them a perspective that sports are not EVERYTHING in life.
I don't want the sports my children are in to define who they are, but I am okay with them loving a game and teammates and coaches. I want the sports we play to have a purpose and so far I am happy with the ones that we have chosen to participate in.

Being Compassionate

One of attributes I hope to instill in my children is a love for others.
I want them to love people who look like them and people who do not. I want them to put aside their comfort and try to see life from someone else's worldview. Don't get me wrong I want them to have their own worldview and be proud of it, but I don't want it to blind them to the fact that other people go through different things then them and that it shapes their lives. I want them to know that differences that are made out to be big are small and Jesus loves more than the middle-aged white guys.

When I entered college God started working in my heart by pointing out how limited I was in really understanding other cultures. I knew this about myself and I wanted more for my children. When we made the move to a new church with a lot of different cultures I was hoping I would see their worldview expand a little. So far it seems to be working. They now have lovely faces to go with words like immigrant and black and they see the love and sheer determination for survival come of our people have gone through and they love them for it.

There is so much nasty racism in the world and to see my 14-year old pick up on it and be appalled has been a  blessing. I want to foster in my children an attitude of compassion for all of mankind and broadening their worldview is what I feel I need to do to accomplish that goal. I am hoping to do more of that in the future by taking them to other countries. I want them to see the world so they can love the people in it better.

Being Halfway Through 2016

If you go back to the beginning of the year you'll find a post where I chose to not have any expectations for the year. 

I feel I have stuck to that, but I know I am on the cusp of some new things and I can't help but be introspective about my life up until now. 

I will only be a part of my MOPS group for another 2 weeks and it makes me a little sad to walk away from the ladies I have spent so much time, energy, and love on. I know it's time and I know it will free up my time to pursue new avenues that I did not have time to investigate before. In short, change is just hard sometimes. 

I remember one time over the winter when I went to our old church to do something when no one was there and I knew that my time spent there was going to be limited for awhile and then peter out completely. I stood there and just looked at the empty building where there was numerous classrooms that I had dedicated myself to working in for a long time. I knew it was the end of a chapter in my life and I didn't know what I would do without it. 

It turns out the transition to the new chapter has been good, with a few hiccups. I have seen how adaptive my family can be and how they are able to easily make new friends, which is a relief. 

However, in someways I feel like I am floundering a little, but not in a bad way more of a "God what now?" kind of way. I sort of find it odd that God has moved us yet left us right here too. I think that is probably the most confusing part of it. I feel like I have told God that I am willing to obey in big changes yet it's the lack of small changes that I cannot understand. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to navigate this huge commute to church stuff. I just can't grasp how I translate that into encouraging people from our area to join us. Perhaps that's the core of the problem, I am too worried about providing a church experience for people when all I really need to do is tell them about God. I think of two teenage boys who used to live a couple doors down from us and spent pretty much everyday one summer in my backyard. I recently ran into them and they were excited to tell me that they were going to a birthday party at our old church. I didn't tell them that I had moved on because I know they wouldn't understand. But I couldn't help but think to myself, "all that ground work and I am not even going to see how it turns out." I guess I am still working through some bitterness too. Mostly just the bitterness that we couldn't find a way to fit in. I saw clearly that we would never be able to reach our "full potential" there, but it doesn't change the fact that I wish we could have. Do not get me wrong, I LOVE where we are right now. Its mostly just navigating all our old friendships. No one really understands why we had to make the decision we did to walk away. We've explained it a number of times, but its hard to explain without feeling like we are slinging mud. We don't want to be mean about it, but it seems like everyone else has no problem laying on the guilt trips, so we're caught in this weird catch 22. I guess life is just like that and I will, as always, stand by silently and watch it go by.

Being a Fairytale

Fifteen years. 

I can hardly believe that it has been that long since we set out on this journey.

I could never have dreamed what these years would hold.

I got married at 7:00 in the evening, in a garden, in a very short ceremony, with less than 100 people in attendance (I still have a soft spot for small weddings because of it).

The day I was married it was unseasonably cold and it rained during the day. 

About two hours before the ceremony my mother burned a hold into the front of my dress (for some reason she loves to tell this story). 

Neither the rain nor the hole phased me.

However, I will always remember at one point right before the ceremony for some reason I was left alone in the front of the building just standing there thinking....

Thinking, what am I doing? Do I want to bind myself to this man forever? Is this really the right decision? I could just walk out the front door and drive away and it would be okay, I think.

I didn't do it and for that I am thankful.

I've written about how our marriage was "out of necessity" before. But, I don't think I have ever talked about what exactly I have experienced as a wife. There's no way I could talk about everything in one post, so I'm going to just think through some events that changed me.

Here we go...

I remember our first fight. I don't remember what we fought about, but I remember taking the dog and just walking the city blocks thinking and stewing and then eventually deciding to let it go. It would be a strategy I would use often because let's face it everyone messes up and sometimes you just have to choose to let it go and forgive.

I remember digging out all of our bills and working together to pay everything down little by little.

I remember seeing the tears in my husband's eyes when he met his son for the first time and how my dumb first thought when I saw him was "wow, he has big feet." 

I remember the miles upon miles my first baby and I made around the east side of the city we lived in at that time, because I was lonely and our apartment was sweltering.

I remember almost burning down the kitchen while trying to make cornish hens (I haven't made them since).

I remember being lonely and wanted to move back home.

I remember moving back home and going back to church.

I remember a trip to Niagara Falls where I only saw the falls from the bridge crossing the border.

I remember having my first daughter after a violin lesson.

I remember my husband suddenly burning all of his comic books and me not fully understanding why.

I remember promising my husband to listen to all of J Vernon McGee's sermons before I die, even though his voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I remember fully committing myself to God.

I remember a crazy February snow storm when we made the news because of the amount of snow we recieved.

I remember having a baby during said storm.

I remember thinking we were done having kids at three.

I remember being surprised to find out I was pregnant with my fourth.

I remember another little girl coming into the world and stealing her daddy's heart straight away.

I remember laughter, lots of laughter. Laughter at my kids, laughter at my husband. Learning that my whole-hearted belly laugh can make my husband crumble beside me.

I remember a new "giant" house.

I remember a career change for my husband and him getting shingles because he was so stressed.

I remember pushing my husband to pursue his degree.

I remember having my husband come to me and saying "so I'm feeling we need to open ourselves up to adoption."

I remember seeing this little blueberry-eyed, blonde boy peek his little head around the door to see "who was here to see him."

I remember rushing to the ER to see my oldest have his kneecap relocated and him yelling for me.

I remember hearing my youngest crying for only me when he was coming out of anesthesia.

 I remember standing by and watching as the church I grew up in started to not meet our needs anymore.

I remember feeling hopeless to help my little energizer bunny and wishing there was someone who could help me.

I remember going back to college so that other moms wouldn't have to feel like that.

I remember deciding it was time to move on and pursue different things spiritually.

I remember watching my husband become sensitive to the needs of others and truly caring.

I remember starting this marriage thinking I would just have to live with it because I got myself into this mess.

And I remember God having another plan and allowing my husband and I to grow and experience all these things together and to become closer and happier than we've ever been before.

As I remember all of these things all I can say is; "Man, this sure has been a crazy ride." It's funny to think back and see how our love and family looks so different from when it started. I never could've guessed fifteen years ago we would be here today. 

It seems every year we talk about how there won't be anything as big as the year before, but somehow God keeps surprising us. We think to ourselves, what's bigger than ____ and all of a sudden our world is turned upside down.

 I cannot presume to even guess what surprise is in store this year or the years to come. I know there will be some pain and some happiness, but I just don't know how it will manifest itself. Honestly, I'm kind of excited to find out.

Being a "Mother"

Birthmother's day was yesterday and Mother's day was today, so as you can guess I have been thinking a lot about moms and the different roles we play and the labels we receive. I follow a couple different online community pages about adoption (way more religiously before we added our fifth child and I started school again) and I remember this one post that made me feel really annoyed with labels. On this particular post a birthmother was venting about how she did not like when the other members of the board used the anagram "BM" for mothers like her because it could stand for bowel movement. This poster was slammed pretty hard for stating her opinion and it turned quite nasty and was completely unnecessary. Was her post an over-reaction, yes, but did all the adoptive mothers and fathers need to jump down her throat, no. I felt bad for her because all those ladies and men were basically saying her feelings were less important than their time to actually type out the word. It was ridiculous, but it taught me a lesson that day. It taught me that labels are dumb and who cares what we call each other. I know I am supposed to prickle when I hear people ask things like, "are you his REAL mother?", but I don't see the point, because 1. I know they don't understand the terminology and 2. it really doesn't matter that much to me that I did not birth him because I know he is mine and so does he.
I think of my role in our boy's life as a pinch hitter of sorts. His birth mom hit the home run but was unable to run the bases so I stepped in to help finish the job. Both jobs are important and dependent on the other. I am not against our birthmother I am on her team and we are in this together. So if someone tells me birth moms don't like to be called something I am not going to call them that simply because I think their role is so important and I care about their feelings. We're all just moms and we're trying to do what is best for our kids. Let's work together!

It also helps that my 5 year old son thinks having two mamas is stinkin' awesome!

Being a Personality Type

     

         Here's another little insight into my inner workings. I don't really know what I am. People seem to be obsessed with posting articles and blogs about being introverts lately. These pieces always rub me wrong because I feel like they are kind of a cop out. I think everyone has introverted AND extraverted tendencies. I can definitely see where I am both and where others are too. For example when I am in a crowd with people I don't know well I tend to be quieter and just observe what is going on around me. My husband who grew up in a crowd (11 siblings) says that I shouldn't do this that I "need to fill the silence", but I don't believe him and I don't think this makes me an introvert of any stretch of imagination. Its pretty interesting to think through these 2 personality-types in comparison with us as a couple. In outward appearances I feel like my husband would be considered the more outgoing one, but really he will say that he doesn't like people very much and is perfectly happy locking himself away into his office for hours at a time. In my mind and according to all of those articles that would make him an introvert.

   

Now looking at me you would find someone who enjoys crowds (we have 5 kids for goodness sake), loves new experiences, and actually kind of likes to put herself in foreign situations just to get a different perspective. However, to take in all this new information I rarely open up to people on our first meeting. So does spilling one's guts upon meeting equate being an extravert? I don't think it does, because I do not shy away from meeting people and I will carry on a conversation with anyone who wants to talk to me they just have to make the first move.

**Update: After taking a class on Personality, I can now say that I label myself as a "Shy extravert." I'm shy because of all the reasons I listed above, but I'm an extravert because I feel recharged from being around other people. One is a personality trait the other is a temperament. I guess it really is about "the more you know." :-)**

Being A New Year

A year's worth of wear.

Two-Thousand-Fifteen began and ended not as I expected. 

How does one even attempt to look into the future and know what's going to become of her? 

 I have hopes for 2016, but no concrete plans because I just cannot fathom what will become of it.

Being An Addict

     Addiction is a horrible human affliction. 

It's confusing, heart breaking and leaves loved ones at a loss every step of the way. 

I have taken ONE substance abuse class so I am by no means an expert, but I have seen some of the devastating affects first hand so I guess that does give me some insights. 

Good-bye to K.

To say addiction is complicated is a gross understatement.

     I am starting to see what it looks like when loss comes because of addiction and I don't know how to feel. In times like this you're considered cold if you don't react with great sorrow, but really all I feel is nothing. In my mind the addiction has already taken that person from me and I have been living with it all this time anyway. People like to say what a person in my situation "should've felt or done or acted" to cause it not to happen, but unfortunately with addiction you can't save a person who won't accept your help and adamantly pushes you away. I know from my limited research that it's the addiction not the true person reacting this way, but it doesn't change the fact that your hands are tied. You have no choice but to ride it out and sometimes you have to make the difficult decision of pulling way back because you don't want it's affects to ripple down into another generation. As with every story there are two sides and this is mine, but I can't sugar-coat that this happened and these are the circumstances and choices my family had to make because of addiction. 

    However, while I can't feel grief anymore and I'm resolute on our decisions over the past few years it does not mean that I don't wish it could be different. I wish that her life could be more, that I could allow my children to be around her, and that she could love me back. But, unfortunately this story doesn't end that way and so I say goodbye to a woman who has been in my family for almost as long as I have and could never find true help for herself for reasons I will never know. 

Being A New Beginning

     Well the wheels are turning. We have decided to step into the unknown and see what the future holds. I've had a few heart to hearts over the past few days with various people and it's been interesting. As you can read in previous posts it has not been an easy decision, but I feel at peace. I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's the right thing to do and now it's time to obey.
     My husband and I keep mulling it over and trying to anticipate the reactions we are going to get and how we are going to respond to them. So far every reaction has been completely different than we saw coming. For example, when we told our kids a couple days ago that we've decided to stay the one child we thought would have the biggest problem with it was very accepting and positive. However, so far the others have not really shared their feelings too much, I think they are still processing.
     In some ways I don't know how we ended up at this point. I can see how God has carefully opened up this path to us, but when exactly we started to walk down it is not entirely clear. I remember when my husband came to me and said he was contemplating this road and wanted to know what I thought. For some reason I felt like it was something I needed to let our family explore. I can't really explain why, because he's done this before and I did not get this feeling and I helped to put the kibosh on it. But, in this particular path I feel like it is right and I know it's going to be incredibly confusing for many of our friends and family. I whine quite often and say "why do we have to be the ones to step out first?" And I think the reason is because we are willing to be receptive to God's calling. I know it's because we've gone through what we have and know what's like when we are not in God's will and we have no interest in doing that again.
     Man, how did my life get here? When I got married 14.5 years ago I NEVER would've dreamed we'd be making these kinds of decisions. I'm excited though, I think God has plans for my little family and if we just obey we can see what they are someday.

Being Content

Contentment has been a struggle for me lately.

Earlier this year we thought we could possibly be moving and the thought of seeing something new thrilled me. However, since that time, different doors have closed and opened so now we just do not know what's in store for our future. A voice inside me keeps whispering to me, "what if this is it? What if God wants you to stay right here for your whole life? Can you obey then?" The truth is, I can, but it's going to a major struggle to be happy about it. I have fully accepted that life is not and should not be about making myself happy, but I just don't know if I can find excitement in the mundane of living in the same place my whole life. After my last post it's clear that I want to see what else this world has to offer besides this small little sleepy town. My naturally accepting personality is not winning over my adventurous spirit lately and so I'm caught here in the balance trying to be a good example and in all honesty just taking one timid step at a time because the future is so unclear and I have big dreams for it. 

Being a Traveler

     

My heart is itching to travel lately. I want to see the world and try to understand it better. I have an opportunity to take a study abroad trip to London and Paris this coming spring, but it doesn't really fit in with some big family events that are coming. So since I have finally excepted that this is not going to happen I have been looking at other trips that I could take that would cost the same or less than what I would have paid for that trip. I could get to quite a few places, but every time I'm working it out something in me says "Can I really be so frivolous?" "Can I really take a trip just because I'm curious about the world?" Over the past year I have visited some cities that are within driving distance that I have not been to before and it was great, but it just feeds my hunger to see what else it out there.
      My ultimate dream is to move and live in the deep south for 2 years, then the west coast for 2 years, and so on. I want to experience different cultures that are contained within the US, but i feel i need to spend more than a vacation there to truly understand it. So those are my dreams, as of right now they all look like a giant pipe dream.


"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content."  I Timothy 6:6-8

Being a Risk-Taker

     I love adventure,  the thought of stepping out and not really knowing where I'm going thrills me. However, as a sensible mother I am not so keen on taking risks that effect my children's lives in large ways. I am afraid my family is approaching a very  serious crossroad and I am not exactly sure where this road is going to end up. I spoke awhile back about how 2014 was our year of obedience and I am wondering if that is also going to apply to 2016. Unfortunately, 2016 may be the year where we give up everything to obey and I'm wondering how it's going to look, because I'm pretty sure I know it's not going to feel too good at first.
     I find myself telling our youngest numerous times each day "I am looking for obedience and when only half of your body obeys it's not really obeying at all." I think that advice may apply to my current situation, I know which way is right and I *want* to obey, but I know there is going to be a lot of pain and misunderstanding from these decisions. I am a mother, and I try to be intentional about my job, so I find myself constantly assessing how decisions my husband and I make will influence our children's worldview. Expanding their experiences has been in the front of my mind lately. I want them to know there is more than this small town life. I want them to know that there are people that are not exactly like us and it's okay because we all need Jesus.
     It's really hard to uproot them in some ways to show them all of these things, but sometimes the end product is worth the pain of getting there.

Being Heartbroken

      When I used to think of heartbreak it always had to do with my own disappointment of some kind. My family is getting ready to embark in a type of heartbreak that we are choosing to, in some degree, put ourselves through. We are struggling to understand how we will do this when we know it will hurt many people. A passage of scripture I recently read gave me chills it is Mark 10:28-30,
      "Peter began to speak to him, 'Look, we have left everything to follow you!' Jesus said, 'I tell you the truth, there is no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive in this age a hundred times as much- homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, fields, all with persecutions -and in the age to come, eternal life." 
     I just can't help but wonder, if I obey then will God be able to use my family in new ways that are better than we've ever experienced before?

I need to know that this pain is going to be worth it.  

Being Mama: to Someone Else's Baby

I had some preconceived notions about adoption. It is, like what most things in life seem to be, not what I expected. Here's an exerpt from my journal:

Sometimes (most times) I feel overwhelmed by adoption. Overwhelmed because of just dealing with a little 3 year old stranger. Then overwhelmed with the magnitude of the privilege it is to raise him for his birth mom. Lastly, overwhelmed that God chose our family to be the ones to pour ourselves into this little boy. I want to do right by him and I want to point him to Jesus, I'm just hoping my sinful nature doesn't get in the way.  

It's hard to describe what it's like to be an adoptive family. It is is by far one of the most difficult things I have experienced in my life. I'm not sure people believe me when I say that because it doesn't look that hard from the outside. Our boy is doing extremely well and we are so thankful for that. But it's also such a unique situation that it's really hard to find anyone who really understands what it's like to actually go through it.

  Hollywood paints adoption in 2 very different ways. Amazing: you're 'saving' a child from an awful situation and the child ends up loving you and fits seamlessly into your family. And the adopted child feels grateful for the sacrifices you've made and expresses that openly to you. **Ahhh, isn't that so sweet?!** OR there are the 'horror' stories, the ones filled with pain, violence, and ultimately resentment. I'm sure you've heard the stories and they may have even scared you off from ever even considering opening your house to an orphan. 

   So far our story is nothing like either of those scenarios. Does our boy love us, yes. Does he want his way and will go to GREAT lengths to get it, absolutely. After raising 4 biological children and regularly babysitting several others you wouldn't think one little 3 year old would have much to surprise me with. But, he does!  He's SO stubborn and willful and I am not. So as you can probably guess that paints a very interesting picture of our 'bonding time'. I do see so much potential in him and I'm willing to be uncomfortable to help him to reach it but is isn't without feeling personal sacrifice.

  When people ask us, would you do it all over again we always say yes. Why? Because our boy needed us. It was not such a concrete, in your face, answer a year ago but it absolutely is now. When you start the adoption process you're put on a preverbal scale. On one side is the couple who wants a child to help fulfill a longing they have and haven't been able to satisfy 'traditionally' by having children of their own. On the other side is the couple who wants to help a child in need. Now this is a sliding scale and neither side is better or worse than the other, but people sure like to give you their opinion on which side is best. For the record almost no one agrees. We are definitely on the wanting to help side of scale and I am okay with that, because I know where my heart is and I KNOW God wanted me to place myself in this situation for this one little boy.

  As I look back on our last 2 years it has truly been amazing to see how people react to our family and our decision. We have had everything from disgust and confusion to happy tears and inquiry. These reactions have not changed our mind about adoption one bit. Adoption fits our family and will ALWAYS have a special place in our hearts.

Being Great

         

I had a conversation a few months back with my 8 year old. He said to me very politely, "mom, I know you are good at a lot of things, but what are you best at?" I didn't know how to answer him because I dabble in a plethora (look at me using college level vocabulary!!) of different activities. It made me wonder am I spreading myself out too thin so that I cannot really excel at anything? 

            

If you know me you know I have a lot going on at pretty much all times.

I like to blame it on heredity, because I grew up in chaos, but really I think it's a coping mechanism. I have a major character flaw called pride, I like to think I can do a lot on my own, but honestly there is no earthly way I could accomplish what I do without God's help. I'm working on it and trying to give credit where credit is due, but I fail A LOT! 

This year God has been leading me in some interesting directions and is teaching me which things in life I'm truly interested in. There has definitely been some surprises along the way, but it almost all has been exciting. I have decided to step back a little from a few ministries that I do enjoy, but I feel led to move on from and take on some huge, hard projects that are not quite so comfortable. 

           

In many ways the past year I have felt like a failure or at least ignorant because I didn't see it all coming down the pipe. Losing friendships is not easy, but sometimes its necessary for growth. 

So to answer my boy's question, what am I great at? It's hard to say because with greatness also comes a large amount of failure and that is hard to shake off. I just hope that I am great at being a student of this life and those around me, because I am still a work in progress.

Being a Student

I think that if someone were to examine my life they would feel like they are experiencing whiplash. I move through projects and processes very quickly it would seem. I'm pretty sure people don't understand that about me. I'm a pretty private person. I don't really make my intentions known until I've completely decided to do something and I'm ready to jump in with both feet. I promise I do put a lot of thought into decisions ahead of time I just don't broadcast it until I've fully decided.

This particular endeavor I have been considering for a while now and I think I'm ready to make the leap back into the world of academia. I've only told a couple people and they have all been encouraging, but still there's that little voice inside me that says
"Why now? Why not wait for a more convenient time? You are so going to fail at this again! You're so busy!" I know it's just fear, but still it sure can shout loudly and convincingly. I've been praying about returning to school for 6+ months and I really feel like God is leading me to go back and finish what I started 14 years ago. I have a couple ideas where I'm hoping this degree completion will take me but I'm not ready to share that just yet, I need to ponder it a little longer. And it looks completely different than what I thought I wanted when I started my degree at 18 years old. I'm equal parts excited and terrified of where this road is going to lead me. So I'm going to adopt the motto of Disney's Meet the Robinsons and just say to myself "Just keep moving forward." So that's where I currently am. Welcome to the crazy world known as my life.