Being Mama: to Someone Else's Baby

I had some preconceived notions about adoption. It is, like what most things in life seem to be, not what I expected. Here's an exerpt from my journal:

Sometimes (most times) I feel overwhelmed by adoption. Overwhelmed because of just dealing with a little 3 year old stranger. Then overwhelmed with the magnitude of the privilege it is to raise him for his birth mom. Lastly, overwhelmed that God chose our family to be the ones to pour ourselves into this little boy. I want to do right by him and I want to point him to Jesus, I'm just hoping my sinful nature doesn't get in the way.  

It's hard to describe what it's like to be an adoptive family. It is is by far one of the most difficult things I have experienced in my life. I'm not sure people believe me when I say that because it doesn't look that hard from the outside. Our boy is doing extremely well and we are so thankful for that. But it's also such a unique situation that it's really hard to find anyone who really understands what it's like to actually go through it.

  Hollywood paints adoption in 2 very different ways. Amazing: you're 'saving' a child from an awful situation and the child ends up loving you and fits seamlessly into your family. And the adopted child feels grateful for the sacrifices you've made and expresses that openly to you. **Ahhh, isn't that so sweet?!** OR there are the 'horror' stories, the ones filled with pain, violence, and ultimately resentment. I'm sure you've heard the stories and they may have even scared you off from ever even considering opening your house to an orphan. 

   So far our story is nothing like either of those scenarios. Does our boy love us, yes. Does he want his way and will go to GREAT lengths to get it, absolutely. After raising 4 biological children and regularly babysitting several others you wouldn't think one little 3 year old would have much to surprise me with. But, he does!  He's SO stubborn and willful and I am not. So as you can probably guess that paints a very interesting picture of our 'bonding time'. I do see so much potential in him and I'm willing to be uncomfortable to help him to reach it but is isn't without feeling personal sacrifice.

  When people ask us, would you do it all over again we always say yes. Why? Because our boy needed us. It was not such a concrete, in your face, answer a year ago but it absolutely is now. When you start the adoption process you're put on a preverbal scale. On one side is the couple who wants a child to help fulfill a longing they have and haven't been able to satisfy 'traditionally' by having children of their own. On the other side is the couple who wants to help a child in need. Now this is a sliding scale and neither side is better or worse than the other, but people sure like to give you their opinion on which side is best. For the record almost no one agrees. We are definitely on the wanting to help side of scale and I am okay with that, because I know where my heart is and I KNOW God wanted me to place myself in this situation for this one little boy.

  As I look back on our last 2 years it has truly been amazing to see how people react to our family and our decision. We have had everything from disgust and confusion to happy tears and inquiry. These reactions have not changed our mind about adoption one bit. Adoption fits our family and will ALWAYS have a special place in our hearts.

Being Great

         

I had a conversation a few months back with my 8 year old. He said to me very politely, "mom, I know you are good at a lot of things, but what are you best at?" I didn't know how to answer him because I dabble in a plethora (look at me using college level vocabulary!!) of different activities. It made me wonder am I spreading myself out too thin so that I cannot really excel at anything? 

            

If you know me you know I have a lot going on at pretty much all times.

I like to blame it on heredity, because I grew up in chaos, but really I think it's a coping mechanism. I have a major character flaw called pride, I like to think I can do a lot on my own, but honestly there is no earthly way I could accomplish what I do without God's help. I'm working on it and trying to give credit where credit is due, but I fail A LOT! 

This year God has been leading me in some interesting directions and is teaching me which things in life I'm truly interested in. There has definitely been some surprises along the way, but it almost all has been exciting. I have decided to step back a little from a few ministries that I do enjoy, but I feel led to move on from and take on some huge, hard projects that are not quite so comfortable. 

           

In many ways the past year I have felt like a failure or at least ignorant because I didn't see it all coming down the pipe. Losing friendships is not easy, but sometimes its necessary for growth. 

So to answer my boy's question, what am I great at? It's hard to say because with greatness also comes a large amount of failure and that is hard to shake off. I just hope that I am great at being a student of this life and those around me, because I am still a work in progress.